The Plunge Blog

A reader writes:

"My fiancée told me she didn't care about strippers but didn't want them touching me. I took it to mean she'd just be annoyed because that's how I'd feel if she had male strippers rubbing up on her. I'd be annoyed. So I thought I was doing good when I was honest and told her i'd gotten a lap dance from the stripper my best man hired. Now she's not annoyed. She's devastated. She feels betrayed, thinks I'm somehow "unclean" and is just so hurt that I'd do such a thing.

I'm blown away. I thought it was par for the course. Accepted tradition. An annoyance for the bride at best. I've learned the hard way that this assumption was a huge mistake. AND now my good friends and best man (who is really a great guy) have lost all of her respect. She doesn't want them at the wedding! WTF!

I've gone from anger for her not communicating this possible outcome with me to a slobbery crying apologetic fool. It's really hard for me to relate to her. The stripper thing is so meaningless to me. But my fiancée can't relate to that. So how do I convince her that she can trust me? We're getting married in a week. I'm freaking out..."

_________

Clearly there's only one solution: you need to hire a male stripper, get her good and drunk, and have her girlfriends cajole her into getting a lap dance.  Even Steven, done and done.

Sadly, however, we're not in a lousy Ashton Kutcher comedy. So we'll deal with reality. Nothing can really be gained by finger-pointing, so let's start by pointing some fingers.

Where you're in the wrong: Sorry dude. When she says, "I don't want them touching you," there's almost no credible way you can interpret that as, "I don't love the idea of them touching you, and if it happens, I'll be annoyed, but no biggie!!!" She carved out the rules of engagement, and those rules were clearly NO TOUCHING. If you didn't like those rules (and who would?) the time to negotiate was before the bachelor party, not after. She laid down the law. You broke it.

Where she's in the wrong: Let's get some perspective. You didn't have sex with this stripper. You didn't kiss this stripper. Hell, you didn't even want a lap dance from this stripper, you merely went with the flow when your best man forked over some twenties. And, frankly, that's what happens in strip clubs at bachelor parties. Your sin is one of misunderstanding, not malice. From the tone of your email, it sounds like you really, really, really thought that basic run-o'-the-mill lap dances were on the table.  To use some Supreme Court Justice nomination jargon, your presumption is not "out of the mainstream."  Is she in the right?  From a technical sense, maybe a little. But she relinquished her moral high ground by overreacting.

So if you want to get all 4rd grade and bicker about who's right, who's wrong, that's where you start the arguments. But in the words of Mark McGuire, "We're not here to talk about the past, we're here to talk about the future."

You're getting married in a week. So focus on one thing: Damage Control.

Here's your 5-Step plan:

A reader writes:

"My fiance's parents want to wait 2 years for the wedding.  They are paying for it, and just threw their other daughter a wedding, so I understand that money is tight.  I am not in a position to contribute, but my parents have offered to help out. 

Both my fiance and I think 2 years is too long, but we don't know how to convince them otherwise.  We don't want a huge wedding (150 Max) and have stressed this to them, thinking this would cut down on costs.  It seems to me that they think everything has to be the same as my fiancée's sister, yet we don't feel that way. Is there anyway to try and convince them that this wedding can still be nice if done sooner?"

"Every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.

Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong."

- George Costanza

As with everything else in life, we can glean valuable lessons about wedding planning from Seinfeld. Remember what happened when George picked out the envelopes? They were so cheap, so pathetic, that Susan licked the adhesive...and died.

You can learn from Costanza. Remember that episode where he did "The Opposite" of his instincts, reasoning that if every instinct is wrong, the opposite must be right? This is your move. We think it's unlikely that you will accidentally murder your fiancée, but when it comes to the dreaded Thank You notes, just do "The Opposite" of George's instincts.

George would: Insist on picking out the envelopes.

The Opposite: Get whatever the hell she wants. Who cares, right? By now, you should be familiar with this overarching theme of The Plunge: you need to pick your battles. This is the wrong war at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. Just get whatever Susan wants. Don't make this your Bay of Pigs.

George would: Write something like, "Thank you for the $15 gift card. I'll use it to pay for half the dinner that you ate."

The Opposite: Never mention specific dollars. Even if they actually gave you cash, just tactfully say "generous gift," not a hard dollar amount. Even if it's not generous, use the word generous. It's like telling an old hag that she looks nice: a benevolent lie. If they did give you cash, tell them what you're using it for: "We're saving up to convert the basement into a gimp dungeon... we'll be sure to let you come over and watch!"

A reader writes:

"Okay I want a bachelor party......and my girl doesn't care if I have one. I was thinking of going to the strip club with the fellas having a couple of drinks, going home and playing cards/X-box 360/ Bones (dominoes).....the works ya know?

"But my girl has a problem with the strip club.....and strippers period. I see it as since this is basically my last moment of freedom and we both know I aint going to do something I shouldn't......like "sleep" with the stripper, I don't see the problem. Can I get some honest opinions on this please?"

Let's take a step back.  Let's break down your perspective, and then her perspective.

Reader Dunndolo4life asks in The Forums:

"Long time no speak plunge.

"I have an idea for our wedding that everyone seems to think is the most ridiculous idea ever. (Sucking in air) Here goes......

"Now from my understanding, a wedding is a celebration of two people coming together in holy matrimony, or in simpler terms, two people who love each having a ceremony to celebrate their commitment or something along them lines am I right????

From a reader:

"I have a question for you guys. I love my fiancée more then anything, but I am having one issue. I have a serious jealousy issue with her past. When I get mad at her I cant help but think of all the other guys she's been with and how she must have liked being with them more then me. I know it sounds childish and stupid, but I can't seem to make myself get past it. How do I not let this become an issue so big it ruins my upcoming marriage?"

_______

A reader writes:

"My fiance and I have been engaged for 6 months and are getting married in Summer of 2011 and in the time we have been together we have gone to a few other weddings and have more coming up in the future. I took a look at the wedding registry for one of the upcoming weddings and the items on there are ridiculous! Some of the highlights are:

$165 for a Gravy boat
$58 for a salt and pepper shake (each, not a set)
$100 for an electric toothbrush

My parents had a fine china set and in the 23 years I lived with them, my mother used it maybe 3 times. The worst part is that courtesy of The Knot and its dozen or so clones, my fiancée seems to think these are acceptable gifts to ask of our friends and family for our wedding. How do I explain to her that it's all just useless stuff we don't need, and that it would much better to ask for gifts of cash...to actually pay for part of the wedding!"

________

A deluxe gravy boat is like flying first class: you don't think it's worth the money, but once you get a taste, you can never go back. In the grand scheme of your life, there will never, ever be money better spent than that china gravy boat.

Kidding. Of course you're right. This is the structural problem with modern weddings. Many decades ago, in a simpler era, the gift of crockery made perfect sense: couples got married straight out of college, they didn't have squat, so the 100+ friends helped them start their new life.

These days? You have forks. You have spoons. You have every damn bit of cutlery you'll ever really need. Sure, you could "upgrade," but why not get some shit you'd actually like?

Happily, through some savvy manipulation of your wedding registry, you can actually transform those gravy boats into cash, all Rumpelstiltskin like.

 A reader writes us with the following, which demands to be printed in its entirety:

______

"Here's my problem. My fiancée asked me if she should have my sister as a bridesmaid. I told her my sister wouldn't care either way, so it was up to her.

You don't have to be Shakespeare. You just need to have a plan, execute it, get in, get out. (Think of it like invading a small country.)

Don't wing it, don't overstay your welcome, and don't piss off the locals. Yes, confidence and delivery matter. (More on that here.) But the most important element? The plan itself. You need to have the toast written out, and that starts with a template. Like this one.

Every good best man toast has four components:

1)    Intro
2)    Funny (but not snarky) stories about the groom
3)    Glowing words about the bride
4)    Upbeat Conclusion.

No need to over-think it. If you stick to those 4 components, you'll be fine.  How long should it be? Anywhere from 45 seconds to 5 minutes. If it's less than 45 seconds it looks like you didn't give it any damn thought. If it's longer than 5 minutes, then no matter how charming or brilliant you are, you'll lose your audience. And, frankly, this is not the moment to try to impress everyone in the room with your accomplishments and brilliance.

A note on mechanics. You should have it mostly memorized, but also print it out and have it in front of you. Go one step further and print out a copy in a cartoonishly large font. Make lots of little paragraphs. Chunk it up. That way if you lose your place when looking up at the crowd--which you should be doing, frequently--you can quickly find it again. And double-space the son of a bitch.

Okay, onto the content itself. We'll walk through each section, blow by blow. The good news: two of them are super-easy.  The intro and conclusions are paint-by-numbers; you just need a couple of warm-and-fuzzy gems.

1) Intro

If you're feeling gutsy, and if you trust your instincts and public speaking chops, you can have a tiny moment at the beginning where you humorously comment on something that just happened that night. This adds flavor and spontaneity, but it needs to be quick and in good taste. (This part's optional.)

When you start, don't assume people know who you are. Many have no clue. But avoid opening with the lame, "For those of you who don't know me, I'm ......."  Everyone else speaking will say the same exact thing, so try and separate yourself from the herd. Instead, start your speech with how you met the groom. It should be both factual and funny.  Start with the fact, then pivot into the joke. Like this:

"I met Jason when we shared a cell together in Folsom prison." That's the fact. Then you pivot into... "Back then, his ‘girlfriends' were named Frank and Bill and had him pick up the soap, if you know what I mean."

Okay, just making sure you're paying attention. This violates two rules that you should have learned from this article: 1) No humor that will upset Grandma; and 2) no mentions of ex-girlfriends, not ever, under any circumstances.

Still, that example should give you the idea. Just start with "I met (groom's name) (here)", pause, then you give a kicker.

So, more realistically:

"I met Charlie when we were roommates at Florida State." Fact, then pivot into a quick little anecdote that you later leverage... "In college, he was the worst cook I'd ever seen, maybe that the world has ever seen. When he made pasta, he used ketchup as sauce. Not kidding. Ketchup."  

Not laugh-out-loud funny, obviously, but mildly amusing and the trick is to later use this in reference to the bride. (You'll see.)

For Sections 2 - 4, click here for the full article...

There's an old legend about the ancient Greeks. When an athlete triumphed in a sporting event, to congratulate him, the fans would hoist him on their shoulders and yell, "Die Now! Die Now!"

The athlete was at his peak. The apex of his life. "Die Now" meant that he would never, ever be as happy as he was this moment; so to avoid the inevitable letdown, he should just go ahead and kill himself.

As perhaps you've noticed, this tradition has fallen out of favor. At weddings, when we shower the bride and groom with rice, we (usually) don't scream out "Die Now! Die Now!"

No, we at The Plunge do not endorse newlywed euthanasia. And to clarify, we do not think that the wedding will be the apex of your life. You will have other triumphs. You will grow even happier and happier with your wife. Your children will bring you bankruptcy joy.

Still... the Greeks had their finger on something. After the wedding, some guys will feel a letdown, a funk, a hard-to-pinpoint sense of gloom. You can't articulate it. You can't talk about it with your buddies, and you probably can't talk about it with your wife.

Sometimes it helps just to isolate and clarify your stress. Chances are, it stems from one of these 10 funk factors.

Also, in deference to your state of mind, we'll be a little less snarky than usual. We'll be delicate. (Because you're acting like a pansy.)

Funk Factor 1: You're no longer the star.

Truth time. Yes, we've both sworn an aversion to wedding planning. We mock it, you avoid it. Shhhhh... We promise we won't tell anyone...but we know that you secretly enjoyed it. Or at least parts of it. You were the leading man in a lavish play that had a cast of 200. You were doted on, flattered, honored with gifts. And now? The gig's up, the costumes are boxed in the closet, the audience has moved on to the next wedding.

Solution: Good news. This effect is temporary. Life will soon return to normal, and with it, your perspective and humor.

Funk Factor 2: You have idle hands.

For better or worse, the wedding sucked up a lot of time. And now you suddenly have your evenings free. Yes, you mocked it and yes, you were annoyed by much of it, but even on the bad days it was what you did. Without all the stress of planning-or putting up with your fiancée's planning-you could find yourself bored. And boredom leads to depression.

Solution: Take up a new hobby with your wife. Tennis lessons, wine tasting, key parties, whatever. You had a life before. You'll have a life again.

For the additional funk factors and solutions, see the full article Happily Ever After(?): Dealing with Post-Wedding Stress.

A reader writes:

"Awesome article on choosing between a band and a DJ.  My fiancée and I decided the DJ route is the way to go for us, but now it's my job to pick the most kick ass DJ St. Louis has to offer. 

Do you have any tips on choosing between different DJs.  Oh, and none of them will let you attend a function they are putting on, disrespectful to the clients (or something like that).

Thanks for the help and the laughs."


You found some good news. Do you really want to attend random functions of random people you don't know, just to hear the random DJ? I mean, yes, that would be helpful for your decision, and yes, we (half-heartedly) recommend doing just that. But trust us--you dodged a bullet. It's sort of like if you go on a beach vacation and "forget" your jogging shoes. Oh no, you can't go jogging, you have to sleep in, instead. Damn.

Plenty of experts suggest that you get technical. They instruct you to ask your DJs about his sub-woofers, about the specs of his lighting system, etc.  Screw that. You're not really going to know what you're talking about, and he'll secretly laugh at you.

The three most important ways to choose a DJ: 1) References; 2) References; 3) References.

Ask other friends who have recently gotten married. Ask your other vendors.  Hell, as geeky as this sounds, even ask your co-workers. If all that yields nothing, you're stuck doing things the old-fashioned way: google.

And we know, we know, it's a crapshoot. When we just googled Best St. Louis wedding DJs, we got 87 pages of shot-in-the-dark, standalone businesses. A better option: check out sites like OneWed.com or MyWedding.com, which aggregate vendors and provide user reviews.  In this case, there's something to the wisdom of crowds. Call me lazy, but if I see one vendor who has 17 user reviews with an average of 4.7, and they charge the same as the dude with only 1 rating (2 stars), well, that's not exactly an agonizing decision. Why over-think it, right?

That said, there are some things you want to ask your potential DJ. Don't sweat the technical stuff, but you should, however, get a feel for their style. What's their request policy? Do they act as a larger-than-life MC, or do they just spin and grin? Personalities matter. If they seem like a coked-up hipster who will scare the holy hell out of your grandmother, don't use 'em. Ask for references. Watch their demo reel.  If you get a good vibe, if the user reviews are positive, if you like his MC style, and if his references check, you can go to sleep knowing you've done your homework.

If you still need more specific help, just give us a shout. Anyone else have any suggestions? Sound off in the Comments.

(And for anyone who hasn't yet read it, don't miss Picking the Music: Band or DJ?)

When you were born with a Y chromosome, you were blessed with the following advantages: standing urination, comfortable shoes, 10,000 years of higher wages, a superior (if imaginary) sense of direction, and, best of all, excusal from planning the wedding reception.

This is your fiancée's burden. You're (mostly) off the hook. So unlike the wedding-porn, we won't waste your time with 20 pages of tedium--when you should book the venue ("the earlier the better: 96 months in advance!!!"), questions to ask the vendors (yawn) or "insider's tips" like the importance--as if you would never consider this--of getting multiple quotes. (You think?)

There's only one catch. While your bride plans the reception, you need to make sure that's she also planning a party. You'll be eating the food, you'll be drinking the booze, you'll be dancing to the music. It's your job, as the groom, to make it feel like a party and not a ritual. So it behooves you to monitor the situation--from a safe distance--and keep your eyes peeled for signs of alarm.

Much can go wrong. Poor choices can be made. 10 warning signs that demand your attention:

Don't do it. Stop right now. Down that road lies pain. You've seen the Victoria's Secret ads, you've trolled the Agent Provocateur website, and you've drooled over catwalk models in lusty, see-through chemises. And now you're thinking, "Hmm, that would look hot on my girl, too. I'll buy her some."

Turn back. Like something out of a bad Chuck Norris movie, you're volunteering for a suicide mission. Too many things can go wrong. You'll get the wrong size. An inappropriate style. An unflattering fit. You risk tears, resentment, fights and even breakups. So don't do it.

Still there? [Sigh.] Okay. It's possible to make it out alive, but you have to stick to a plan. The mission has three steps: Reconnaissance, Requisition, and Deployment.

But first thing's first. Get your head straight-you need to banish those Victoria's Secret images. Your girl is not one of those models (if she is, she's already got plenty of lingerie). Your brain is trying to graft her head onto Claudia Schiffer's body and that's only going to happen in PhotoShop. It's no longer about what you think is sexy. If you're committed to this fool's errand, your only hope is to figure out what will make her feel sexy. This is your guiding principle. Onto the mission.

Reconnaissance:

The basic spy work. This step is easy. Without getting busted (and awkwardly mistaken as a cross-dresser), you need to scope out her underwear drawer. As non-creepily as possible, you must gather a repository of intelligence-everything you will need for your mission. It will be overwhelming at first-different colors, fabrics, cuts, designs-but you can tighten your focus on a single point: her size.

The size is everything. Failure is not an option; if you get her something too small, she'll feel fat. As a rule of thumb, a woman doesn't feel sexy when she feels like a busted can of biscuits. So it can't be too small. And if it's too big? Then she'll think thatyou think she's fat-you see the Catch 22. So learn her size. Triple-confirm it as you root through her drawer. Check the tags on her gear: you're looking for a figure like 36C, indicating both the band size (number) and cup size (letter). Panty size (S, M, hopefully not XXXXL) is also valuable intel, but the bra size is mission-critical.

You should also note the colors, especially if you're still a rookie and haven't yet figured out what colors she likes to wear. (Then again...if you haven't gotten to that point, you probably shouldn't be rummaging through her dresser drawer, right?) Pay attention to the materials she owns: some women love lace, some find it irritating. Maybe your girl only struts in silk. Take note.

Try and get a sense for her adventurousness-just how wild is she? Does she have nightgowns or teddies? Thongs or tap pants? Are her bras strapless? Are the cups full or demi? Underwire or not? Write this intel down in a secure notebook. Sear the data into your brain. It's doable. If you can memorize the stats for your starting Running Backs and Wide Receivers in your fantasy football league, then yes, you can remember something like "36C, lace, crimson."

One more thing to look for. For whatever reasons, Victoria's Secret is a polarizing label-some women swear by it, some loathe it. See if she's got any Victoria's Secret; if not, that's not a coincidence, and you should instead target a smaller boutique.

There's one basic rule for all this recon: If you find it in her underwear drawer, she'll probably like something similar.

And click here to move on to the full article and the next phase of your mission: Requisition.

A reader writes:

"I am the best man at my sons wedding.

"How do I handle the toast? I need to do the bachelor party but I am a parent so I will not take a group to a strip club.

"I really need your advice."

A reader writes:

"First of all, love your website. Yep, I'm a chick, I hate wedding porn. I find it obnoxious. I love how honest this website is.

"I have a question. It's about my fiancé...I'm torn. Maybe it's just a dream of mine but I'd like to think he can have as much fun at the wedding as I can. Maybe not in the planning process, but at least AT the wedding. I'm trying my damnedest to keep his spirit involved even if he is not necessarily planning things.