Earlier today, the delivery guy dropped off a thick magazine full of wedding paraphernalia. We like these magazines. They're good for kindling, spitballs, and emergency toilet paper.
Before we used the magazine for something useful, though, we peeked inside it. And we were horrified to find some cheesy, outrageous accessories not just for the bride, but for the groom.
It dawned on us... Some men might actually buy this.
Allow us to intervene.
If you're thinking of buying one of these: don't.
If you think they'd be funny and cool and wacky: you're wrong.
7 groom and groomsmen accessories no man should own:
1. Star Wars Formalwear
Look. I won't deny it. I can out-Star-Wars-geek anyone. I can quote every line, I can tell you the actor who played Boba Fett, and I still wonder why the Empire frowned upon hand-rails. I draw the line, however, at this.
2. Tuxedo t-shirts
Tuxedos! T-shirts! Two great things that go...nowhere near together. If you think you can wear this without looking like a Class-A douchebag, do some more thinking.
3. Wedding toilet paper
Um... Earlier, when we implied that we wiped ourselves with wedding magazines, we were joking. Apparently, however, the wedding industry thinks you should do just that. Behold! bride and groom toiler paper. Use these at your reception. This is that special touch that says to your guests, "I want you to wipe your ass with me and my wife."
4. Dog tuxedo shirts
Actually, this is part of a more global rule: a grown man should never dress his dog in anything, period, unless it's to provide warmth.
5. Groom Bottle Koozie
Starting to see a trend? There's only one permissible way to involve a tuxedo as a cool accessory: by wearing a tuxedo.
6. Groom visor
Where is this meant to be worn, exactly? During the ceremony? On the golf course? Do you really expect people to interrupt their swing, wave across the fairway and shout their congratulations? Suddenly those koozies are looking tasteful.
7. Friend-of-the-Groom Paraphernalia
If you're the groom wearing something outrageously stupid, at least you can, theoretically, blame it on the bride. Not so if you're his buddy. If you're his friend or his brother or his uncle, you have no reason to chuck away your dignity.
For some actual useful groomsmen gifts, see: Groomsmen Gifts: Anything but a Flask.