A reader writes:
"Okay I want a bachelor party......and my girl doesn't care if I have one. I was thinking of going to the strip club with the fellas having a couple of drinks, going home and playing cards/X-box 360/ Bones (dominoes).....the works ya know?
"But my girl has a problem with the strip club.....and strippers period. I see it as since this is basically my last moment of freedom and we both know I aint going to do something I shouldn't......like "sleep" with the stripper, I don't see the problem. Can I get some honest opinions on this please?"
Let's take a step back. Let's break down your perspective, and then her perspective.
1. What's the big deal? It's harmless. Just innocent fun at a party, like a little kid laughing at clowns.
2. I KNOW that nothing serious will happen. Saying "Watching a stripper will lead to sex" is like saying "Watching Die Hard will lead to me shooting guys with an AK-47."
3. Seriously. Everyone does this. It's part of the bachelor party. It's the way the world works. It just fits. It's like fireworks on the 4th of July, turkey at Thanksgiving, roses on Valentine's Day.
4. It's more for my buddies, really; if I didn't go to a strip club, I'm letting my friends down. I'm a martyr.
1. A naked woman is literally grinding against your crotch, giving you an erection, shoving her nipples in your face. In what possible way can this be construed as "innocent?"
2. The appropriate Die Hard analogy is not getting a lap dance, but watching porn. If you want to watch a porno, knock yourself out. And I'm not worried that you will "sleep" with the stripper, I'm worried about what WILL happen--you letting a naked woman feel you up.
3. "Every dude goes to a strip club?" What, are you in 4th grade? If "everyone spent $20,000 on a dress, cake, and party, would you do that too?" Wait..
4. For "your buddies." Hmmmm... so if my girlfriends thought it would be just dandy for me to grind up against a buff, oiled-up dude's crotch, you'd be okay with that?
5. Besides, why do you need to look at some super-skinny skank? Am I not hot enough for you?
6. You know, I'm probably not worried, but when you get sloppy-drunk...well.... I just don't want you to go there. Why risk anything?
7. I trust you. I don't trust your shady best man.
8. The strip club is an old, anachronistic tradition that dates back to the days when people weren't really "super-monogamous" until they were married. That was an era of dowries, arranged marriages, and getting hitched when you were 17. We live in a more civilized time.
Who's right, who's wrong?
It doesn't matter. Here's the thing. You can't out-logic her. Like many issues in relationships, this is not an issue that you can "win." It's not a debate. If she has deep, deep reservations about you going to a strip club, you just have to deal.
Is there anything you can do? Sure. For starters, you can (gently) communicate those first four points. Maybe she really is worried that you'll end up hooking up with a stripper, maybe she doesn't know that most guys do this, maybe she'll be dazzled by your clever Die Hard analogy. Maybe your wedding will be paid for a bucket of gold coins that drops from the sky.
So it's worth having a conversation. But if she puts her foot down, well, dude, you are asking permission to grind against a naked chick. Yes, it's kind of a bummer, but if she's dead-set against it, the right move--the only move--is to respect her wishes.
Consider this disappointment good practice for the next 70 years.