The Plunge Blog

Every now and then, it's nice to have evidence that people read this site, use this site, and put the learnings to good use.

It's the only thing keeping us from the bottle, Xanax, and self-loathing.

Today, we derive our self-worth from reader "Daryl M," who tells us, triumphantly, of a wedding speech gone right.

Daryl says, "My speech... thanks for the advice on your site."

A reader writes:

"I had originally decided on an all-day skeet shooting gunfest bachelor party. We would all show up at someone's field around noon, throw up some tailgating tents, back up some trucks full of ammo, and expend enough rounds to make a South American drug lord cry with envy. Afterwards, we could go to dinner or even catch a hockey game in person. It fits me because I am a gun nut, I don't drink (or smoke anything), and I don't do strippers. This plan also works in that I have 4 brothers who all drink, varied friends who do or don't drink, but all of whom are capable of coming out to such an event and having a good time. They can drink (or not) as they please.

I threw this idea to my brothers, and my oldest (the party animal of the family) immediately tried to convince me into something else such as a deep sea fishing trip, or a weekend at his hunting cabin over in Arkansas. I got the others on my side about the shoot-fest and thought the idea was done but now the oldest is bringing it up again about how we need to do a weekend out somewhere instead of a single afternoon. I can agree, a weekend long bachelor party would be fine, but there are several big problems in the way of this.

A reader writes:

"I'm getting married in July and one of my best friends is getting married in September of this year.  I say "one of" because I have two best friends. 

"In fact, there are three of us that are best friends with each other, the third isn't getting married any time soon.  I decided to make the one getting married my best man, and the other a groomsman. 

"However I found out I'm not even a groomsman for my best man (he has about 4 or brothers who are all groomsmen) yet he makes our other friend that's not getting married a groomsman. 

A reader writes:

 "Hi All,

Working in writing a Best Man speech and like most men, are completely stressed out over it all. Quick easy question. Two of them actually. Do I mention the Groom's parents and do I mention the Maid of Honor or Bridesmaid(s)?

Thanks very much,

Reader jorr1104writes in The Forums:

"I just recently learned of complications with groomsmen.  We agreed early on that we'd have three people on both sides-her sister and two friends, and my brother with two friends. 

"No complaints there, three is a very manageable number.  I even found three other guys who could wear their uniforms with me.  The only problem is that now her sister has been causing all kinds of problems, and we don't even know if she's going to show up any more. 

"My fiancée decided to just cut her losses and go with her two friends as bridesmaids and leave it at that.  I'm definitely not disagreeing with her decision, but where does that leave me and my guys?"

A reader writes:

"So I am female and will be playing the role of best man in my best friend's wedding.  Although my friend has been with his woman for 6 years now and they have 2 kids together, I don't know her that well. 

"I'm attempting to write the best man speech and am at a total loss.  The girl is very religious and traditional so I'm not so sure she is thrilled to have a female as best man in her wedding in the first place. 

Flasks? Out. Shot glasses? Out. Money clips? Out.

As discussed in our guide for groomsmen gifts, you should immediately banish those hoariest of clichés.

Instead, your best options, generally, fit the following two criteria:

1) It will be used.

We get this question all the time: "I have 5 good buddies I want as groomsmen, but only 4 slots open, because my fiancée wants me to use her brother as a groomsman. Do I have to use the bastard?"

It's tough to wiggle out of this bind, and, in case it's any comfort, not even NBA All-Stars have a magic silver bullet.

We don't really give a rat's ass about celebrity weddings, but we couldn't help but notice that over the weekend, when Lamar Odom married Khloé Kardashian (yaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwn), he used Rob Kardashian as a groomsman.

We're really bummed we didn't get this Ask the Expert letter from Lamar:

There are some words that should never leave a man's mouth. "Okey-dokey." "Honey, would you like to re-watch Sex and the City?"  "Why don't we skip football and, instead, go pick out some new drapes?"

On top of this list, of course, sits three words that no man should ever say: "The J@nas Brothers." (We'll use some @#$-bleeps to slip it through our censors--the word is too painful to read in its naked, raw form.)

You probably hate The J@nas Brothers. Frankly, you probably don't even know what they do. Are they singers? Co-stars of a Disney kid show? Puppets? You don't know, you don't care. But let's face it--you've heard the names, and you know that they're B-List celebrities, and that teenage girls love these fu#kers.

So. Now that we've given that whopper of a disclaimer, here's the news: one of the J@nas brothers is getting married, and he's picking two of his brothers to be Best Men.

From the weekend's New York Daily News:

"As grooms are getting married older and older, they have more friends. They might have their best friend from childhood, then their best friend in college, then their best friend from the first city after college, and now their best friend in New York. Thanks to e-mail, cell phones, Facebook and fantasy football, guys are now able to stay in touch and maintain lifelong friendships," says Jeff Wilser, editor at ThePlunge.com.

A little more of our advice throughout their article:

We get it all the time.

Of all the groom duties, picking your best man and groomsmen can be the most complicated.

Feelings get hurt. You get torn between buddies. What to do if you have a best friend you want as best man, but you feel obligated to use your brother?

We're looking for a few brave, conflicted grooms who would be up for sharing their story. Specifically, it's for an interview with a newspaper friend of The Plunge.

Even more specifically, we're looking for grooms in the Tri-State area, if possible.

The Plunge readers have spoken. And they might surprise you.

First, let's start with the stereotypes: Men like breasts. Men like strippers. And men like getting lapdances just before they get married. Right?

I mean, The Hangover captures what every guy wants on his bachelor party, and Hollywood is never wrong. The media is never wrong. Gender stereotypes are never wrong. And certain men's magazines and websites (cough like this one cough) are never wrong.

Except... maybe if we're a little more honest, a little more realistic, it's time to realize, perhaps, that the era of "Stripper Bachelor Parties" is over. (Or, at least, it's over for a lot of guys.)

From a conflicted groom:

"First of all, love the site. I was just reading your article Drafting Your Team which right now is my biggest concern. We both have a lot of friends and are looking at up to 8 people on each side.  That being said, I STILL am having a tough time deciding on 8.  I probably have 12 people I would consider and could probably narrow that down to 10 easily without feeling regret, but then the last two cuts are what are getting me. The shortest amount of time I've known any of them too is like 8 years so they are all old friends, some go back 15-20 years. Any advice on this scenario?"

_______

You're right. It's not easy. It's rare in life that you're forced to make an explicit, public declaration that identifies your "best friends," and it's uncomfortable for everyone involved (except, I suppose, the guys you choose.)

And, for that matter, this problem has grown worse over time. In the old days, when grooms married at the average age of 21, you probably only had 3 or 4 really best-best friends. Now? If you're getting married at 35, say, chances are you have your best buds from high school, your best buds from college, your best buds from the first city you lived in out of college, and your best buds from where you live now. (This is my scenario, by the way.) Thanks to the growth of email, texting, Facebook, and fantasy football, our best friends tend to stay our best friends...so we accumulate more and more--without losing many--and suddenly you're stuck with 12.

This is a good problem to have. But it can be a bitch when you're picking your groomsmen.

You have 3 different ways to go:

1) Consider lowering your number of groomsmen, not raising it.

Counter-intuitive, yes, but hear us out. If you have 8 groomsmen, then Best Friends 9-12 might think to themselves, "Daaaaaammmn. I thought we were lifelong best friends, and I didn't even crack the top 8? Jesus." If you only have three groomsmen, on the other hand, then that's an easier pill to swallow.

If you go this route, another way to make it feel more objective is to appoint "ambassadors" from each era of friend-hood. So you can have three groomsmen: one from your high school era, one from the college era, and one from the current era (just as an example.)  

To make it feel even more objective? Think about choosing the friends who are not married. That way, you can argue (even if it's only in jest) that your groomsmen should be the guys who still have a chance of getting lucky at the wedding.

2) Use 8 groomsmen, and then make the other 2 ushers.

Hell, if necessary, you could even have 4 ushers. (It's been done.) Think of ushers as like Assistant Coaches in the NBA; they don't count against the salary cap, so if you're an owner with cash to burn, like Mark Cuban, why not have as many as possible to improve the team?

3) Even if it's laughable, go with tenure.

If you absolutely have to make a tough choice, then tenure is the only way that everyone will feel good about it.  And, if played off the right way, they'll even find it sort of funny. A few months ago I was with my old, old, old buddy Keith. We've been hetero-man-love friends for about 8 years. It was his birthday party, and he celebrated with his high school buddies. One of the guys from high school nodded toward me, skeptical, and asked Keith, "Who's the new guy?" We all had a pretty good laugh.

A reader writes us this long, painful, straight-from-the-bro-mance-heart:

"My best buddy and I have been best friends since elementary school, and we just happened to get engaged within a month of each other, and we each asked the other to be our best man. 

We had both talked about getting married sometime in the next two years but suddenly he and his fiancee chose a date two and a half months away, without talking to any of the people they had committed to their wedding party.  This was a huge inconvenience to quite a few people who already had concrete plans, not only myself (I was going out of town with my family and people were depending on us to be there), but also another groomsman who had out of town job orientation that week, and the fiancee's grandparents, who already had plane tickets for a date two weeks after their wedding, and other people. 

Since they had chosen their date just two days before, we all tried to talk them into having the wedding two weeks later, when everyone could be there.  But they said they didn't think so.  We were pretty persistent, me more than most, which might have been out of line.  I finally asked if we could work anything out because as much as I didn't want to let my family down, I also didn't want to let my best friend down. 

A reader writes us with a doozy:

"My wedding is less then three months away, and one of my groomsmen just quit on me. I have known this guy for over 20 years and he is exceptionally reliable. The big problem has been that he and my fiancé don't get along. I have attempted to be moderator throughout the whole thing. It finally came to a head last night.

Our Honeymoon is in Niagara Falls (cheesy I know). This groomsman and his wife upon learning were we were going decided that it would be fun to go up there for a stress relieving vacation (not at the same time mind you a few weeks ago); this upset my Fiancé greatly; she felt that this made our wedding not unique to us. This feeling actually stems from the fact that our reception is at the same reception hall that they got married at about a year ago; not in the same room but the same hall (this apparently angered his wife quite a bit). My Fiancé sent a message to the groomsmen telling him about her feelings to which he exploded, I was able to calm him down and I was even able to get him to agree to not post pictures on a social network we are all on.

Well their vacation came and went and his wife did indeed post pictures of their vacation causing my Fiancé to "unfriend them", when he texted me to ask what was up she responded that she unfriended him because she didn't want to see the photos and felt that they were rubbing our faces in it. Again the groomsman exploded this time telling me that that was it he is out of the wedding.

At this point I'm not sure what to do. We only have three goomsmen and three bridesmaids in our party. We have had to be very diplomatic in our choices of who is in the wedding party, we have several different groups of friends so to keep the piece we chose one from each (the ones we knew the longest) but this throws a huge upset in to the mix."

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Our response: