The Plunge Blog

After spending 60 hours in Vegas and sleeping for only 3, I sacrificed my liver for a mini-addendum to our bachelor party guide. Of course, sharing specific details would violate the trust of the groom and groomsmen, so we'll just focus on the abstract.

10 more rules for a Vegas bachelor party:

1. Never scream "WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!??!!!!" at the blackjack table.
We sat next to this bearded, pot-bellied guy for a solid 15 minutes. And yes, 15 minutes is a long time when he literally bellows out "WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!??!!!!" after every single win. If he bets five dollars and the dealer busts, he'd yell it out and give a Tiger Woods fist-pump. Every. Single. Time. Never be That Guy. While Vegas is the city of excess and an excuse to let loose, it is not, however, an excuse to act like a cheese-dick.  (On the upside, this became our favorite running joke of the weekend.)

2. Take lots of pictures...
...of golf, the hotel rooms, and brunches. I used to push for a rule of "No Pictures." But by showcasing these harmless ones, you give the illusion of transparency and full disclosure.

3. Make sure that 9 guys can really fit in a limo.
When we stood in one of the never-ending taxi lines, I thought I'd be a hero by flagging down a limo that promised to carry us all--in style!--for only $50.  There were 9 of us, so, excluding the groom, that's around $7 bucks a piece. Not bad, right? The limo pulls up. And yes, while the 9 of us technically squeezed into this "limo," that included 2 guys in the front seat (next to the driver) and one guy practically in another guy's lap. Not the lapdance he envisioned. So when you arrange for limo service, press the guy and double-check that the limo will comfortably seat 9 (or whatever) full-grown men.

4. Get on the list.
If you decide to hit a club, call ahead and get your group on a list. This is one logistical item that worked flawlessly. When we hit Tao, I had arranged for the 9 of us to be on the comped-list and cut the line entirely. This is critical. Shuffling your feet in a line for 70 minutes--only to get mocked at the door--is a sure way to kill your buzz. If you don't have a connection, then just call the club advance and arrange for bottle service. It's worth it.

5. Use a spreadsheet.
Dividing up costs can get messy. So, rather than trying to settle up at every restaurant or every bar, just take turns buying things, use the honor code, and then settle up at the end of the weekend with a spreadsheet. This is particularly handy when you're figuring out the hotel room. (Does The Plunge have a spreadsheet for you? Glad you asked. Get it here.)

6. Call ahead to inquire about prices.
If, theoretically, we went to any adult clubs--and maybe we did and maybe we didn't--theoretically, I would recommend calling in advance to get the low-down on cover charges, minimum drinks, seating arrangements, and any other fees. Theoretically, if you don't do this, maybe you'd get fleeced. But how would I know?

7. Allow breathing room.
Solidarity. That's the mission of the weekend. You have dinner together, you hit the casinos together, and theoretically you might or might not go to other establishments together. You do not, however, have to spend every waking moment holding each others hands like Kindergartners. On Saturday afternoon some guys chilled by the pool, some napped, some gambled, and some went on a 123-minute quest to purchase cotton candy. At the end of this "me-time" period, we all had batteries recharged and were ready for the Big Dinner. So bake some downtime into the schedule.

8. When you start ordering non-alcoholic beer, you've had too much to drink.
At 4:30am and craving more alcohol (always a good idea), my buddy told the waitress he wanted a Sharps, thinking, perhaps, it was some exotic Import. He paid $8. And then he drank it, happy and satisfied, until we cracked up laughing and told him he just ordered a non-alcoholic beer. He's not too thrilled with his new nickname---Sharps.
 
9. Embrace the jet-lag.
This depends on your sleeping patterns. But if you're from the east coast, then chances are that no matter how tired you are, no matter how drunk you get, you won't be able to sleep in. So roll with it. Use it to your advantage. Knowing that we'd naturally be up early no matter what, we scheduled an 8:46 am tee time. And you know what? This early morning golfing was one of the absolute highlights of the trip, even if it meant that every birdie triggered a sarcastic (and mercifully quieter) "Who's Your Daddy Nooowwww!!!?!"

10. Fork over the plastic.
If you have a guy in your group with a gambling problem--and this "guy in your group" might or might not be me--the most effective way to deal with it is to confiscate his ATM and credit cards. We did this. And it worked. If someone loses a boat-load of money and sulks all weekend, it can drain away the weekend's levity. I gave this guy in our group gave his card to Sharps, and told him that under no circumstances should he see the card again in Vegas. My gambling losses? Zero. Because no matter how many times I argue this on the phone with my Bank of America representative, the gambling losses that happen in Vegas won't, apparently, stay in Vegas.

For more on the bachelor party, see our complete guide.

Today I'm in Vegas for a bachelor party. Theoretically this is a good thing. But it raises some ethical problems. I'm torn. I'm struggling with two conflicting principles:

1) write with unflinching candor for The Plunge;

2) protect the privacy and sanctity of the bachelor party.

So here's the compromise. Without betraying anything juicy or, frankly, interesting, I can share a partial-itinerary.  We plan to do the following:

• Begin drinking on our flight from Newark. On our...um...9am flight from Newark. Does this make us alcoholics? I don't think so. Since it's a special occasion, there's no need to wait until the normal appropriate hour for alcohol, noon. 

• Golf. I never golf. I don't like watching golf. I don't really like the idea of golf; any sport where you wear polo shirts and slacks doesn't really seem to count as a sport. Then again, it's a bachelor party, and I do like the idea of sweating off a hangover...and you can squeeze in 9 holes (and a free rental!) for $25 bucks at Angel Park Golf Club. After you stink up the links and embarrass yourself for a couple of hours, you feel like you've earned that 11am cocktail.

• Invest money into the casino industry. This is why I don't give to charity--I magnanimously donate 40% of my income to the casino business, injecting money into the local economy, which creates countless jobs for waitresses, croupiers, and security guards. I'm a martyr like that.  Consider my blackjack playing my own personal stimulus package for the state of Nevada.

Go to a club called--

[Sounds of a head crashing into a laptop, profanity, and a gunshot.]

And thhhaaaaaaat's all I'm allowed to say.  Which is the actual point of this blog post: secrecy and discretion. You're not allowed to rat out your buddies...even when it's your job.

For our complete guide to the bachelor party, click here.

A reader writes:

"I have 3 best friends that I'm trying to decide on a best man.  All 3 of us go back to elementary school together and have grown up through the years.  I don't know how to choose one and not sure if I can, any one of them one be a great best man...would it be dumb to have 3 best men?"

Is it dumb to have three best men?

A little.

Then again, there are lots of things that are dumb at weddings. Just a very small sampling, in no particular order:

• The fact that the bride wears a "veil" even though you, and everyone in attendance, has seen her face at least 17,287 times.
• The fact that wedding communications, such as invitations, thank you notes, and RSVP cards, are on the cutting edge of 17th century technology.
• The fact that the typical wedding costs more than the typical car and typical flatscreen TV, combined.
• Cummerbunds
• No one blinks at spending $500 on wedding cake...for what amounts to a big-ass mixture of sugar, flour, and butter.

Having multiple best men is no dumber than all of that.

Do it.

A reader writes with some very common questions:

1. We're about 11 mos. away from the big day; I've looked at your timeline, but she reads TheKnot daily; not sure she's getting the point that not everything needs to be done NOW. We already have the venue, church and some of the services locked... can I just enjoy my summer?

She doesn't read TheKnot daily. She reads it hourly. When the lead story is "150+ Hot Hair Styles"--literally--it takes some time to chew through all of that essential wisdom. (Random aside: the first page of their hot hair styles is almost laugh-out-loud funny: check out how each style is wildly different and unique.)

Anyway. You're absolutely right. When people first glance at The Plunge, sometimes they get the wrong impression and think that we recommend avoiding everything, procrastinating, and letting your bride do all the work, playing Fredo to her Michael. Not at all. We recommend doing the big things as soon as you can. The venue, the date, the key services. Those are the key constraints. Once you have those locked down, you can fill in the rest later.

Enjoy your summer...with the exception of the guest list. This will be an ongoing discussion that will crop up from time to time like a dormant virus. (Yes, for those keeping score, we've now compared the guest list to both a virus and the global supply of crude oil.)

Next question?

2. I produce live concerts and sporting events professionally; it is exhausting to hear her family tell us [me] about timeline, vendors, costs - when I know I can do all these things better, cheaper, and faster.

...Your list of my duties was very helpful... but hearing her family discuss why we need to pick a dj 1 year in advance and why a local florist is better than hiring one of my designers to source flowers in LA [for 1/10th the price] is EXCRUCIATING... help? Should I just not care?

Careful. Your competence, paradoxically, might bite you in the ass. For better or worse, bridal families often assume that because you're a groom--and because grooms, of course, are drooling, lazy, bums--that you're unfamiliar with foreign concepts like "vendors" and "invoices" and "spreadsheets." That's not fair to you. But it is what it is, and remember...no one likes a know it all. So you're pinched between these two positions: 1) you want to show them that you actually have relevant industry experience and can probably plan the damn thing better than they can; and 2) you don't want to come off as a dick.

In the long run, guess which one is more important? If you try and win every battle you're likely to lose the war. Err on the side of being easy to work with, even if it means doing some things in a moronic fashion.  And when you do choose to push back, shower their idea with compliments and then suggest an alternative, sticking only to the facts.  Example: "That's a good thought, Katherine. I really like your idea of giving the cake vendor $5,000 in cash, upfront, even though they're based in Munich. Who doesn't love German cake!?! I wonder, though, if maybe this $500 option--in our neighborhood--might let us save a little money?"

Next?

3. She has a little brother - he'll be 21 when we wed - does he need to be at the bachelor party if he's in the wedding party? Is it common to do more than one bachelor event to spread the risk and split the crowd?

Yeah this one sucks. Your bachelor party should be a celebration with your very best friends, not a dude who might, for all you know, serve as bridal-espionage. And even if your bride and her brother are super-super-super cool and would never, ever think of "spying" on  you....still....that's in the back of your mind, which can sort of put a damper on the mood.  Even if you're not going to strip clubs, having your bride's family in attendance will handcuff the camaraderie.

Don't invite him.

You'll actually be doing the both of you a favor. Frankly, he probably doesn't want to attend anymore than  you want him in attendance--you're not the same age, he doesn't know your buddies, he doesn't want to see his future brother-in-law acting sloppy drunk, etc. If you can avoid it, don't even bring it up. If you're still squeamish?  Your official stance can be that you're not even really having a "bachelor party," per se, but that a few of your friends are taking you out for a good time. 

In a perfect world, your three groomsmen are your brother and your two very best friends from childhood. In this perfect world, all three of you, during your twenties, lived in a gleaming, 5,000-square feet rent-stabilized apartment in Manhattan. Then you all married lingerie-models-turned-nuclear-physicists, bought mansions for pennies on the dollar, and then sired babies who don't cry.

Life isn't perfect. And sometimes your groomsmen aren't perfect. Sometimes there are issues. Like this real-life example.

A reader writes:

I don't want to sound like I am whining but it is 2 weeks out from my wedding and I am really ticked with my groomsmen. The reason being is I just had my bachelor party yesterday and the only people to show up were my best man and his girlfriend. We had planned to go paintballing for my bachelor party two or three months ago. I asked everyone what day everyone was available and made sure the day I picked fit everyone's schedule. At the time only one groomsman could not make it due to prior obligations but I figured 4/5 wasn't bad. One bailed on me to work overtime at his job, another bailed to take his wife out for her birthday since he attended another wedding on her birthday and "had" to make it up to her, and finally one flaked out without even calling. I later found out he slept till 2PM since he was out late the night before. I am really not sure what to do because I only have 2 weeks till the wedding and I want to kill all of them but my best man. Any ideas how to handle this without punching them in the throat when I see them next?

Oh my. We're sort of a loss for words. We only have 16 quick points:

1.    It's actually sadder, somehow, that your best man showed up with his  girlfriend. If the best man was the only person who showed, oddly, that would be less pathetic. Did he really think that his girlfriend would cheer you up?

2.    You shouldn't have been the one coordinating the schedule. That's the job of the best man. And he dropped the ball, big time.

3.    You're not whining. You're well within your rights to be pissed. If these are your "best" friends, we'd love to hear some stories about your worst.

4.    "Overtime at a job" is not a valid excuse to miss a bachelor party, especially if you're a groomsman.  Yes, money's tight. Yes, the extra hours help. But this is one of those times when you suck it up and support your friends, even if it means leaving an extra shift on the table. Shame on him.

5.    We have more sympathy for the groomsman who took his wife out for dinner on her birthday. But he's not off the hook. He should have been aware of the wife-obligation months and months in advance, suggesting an alternate date. He failed to do this. He failed you.

6.    Maybe you should make some new friends. This charming, unintentionally funny article describes that very process.

A reader writes:

"I'm getting married in March 2010. We have started planning the wedding, but I'm stuck with one decision. Who I should have as my best man. I have always had women as close friends and really don't have any men as a "best friend" status. I only have my younger brother and my female best friends husband as a close male friend. My brother and I do not have a close relationship and my friends husband is a friend but not that close to me. I'm only having these 2 on my side on the day. I don't know who to pick for that role. Please help!"

You need to get more friends.  How old are you? What's wrong with you? How can you have lived your entire life without developing more male friendships? Our advice is to make like Paul Rudd in I Love You Man, crash some football games and go make yourself a few buddies.

Kidding. If you're shaking in rage while reading that paragraph, good, it just confirms what should be obvious: your best friends are your best friends, regardless of gender.  Don't let wedding tradition trump your personal values and personal relationships.

Wedding norms have evolved and they're still evolving. What once was taboo is now commonplace. You can have women-best-men, men-maids-of-honor (as long as it's not Patrick Demsey in a hellish-looking movie that we refuse to watch), women groomsmen, etc. Unless your families are ultra-conservative, you have carte blanche to mix and match as you please.

So that's our first bit of advice: consider actually using women as groomspeople. It's not as weird as it sounds. Assuming your bride is cool with the idea, you can have them wear black dresses that blend in with the tuxes.

It sounds, though, like you're resigned to only using men. Fair enough. If that's the case--if you're choosing between your best friend's husband and your brother--go with the brother.  You're not that close to either dude, but one's family and one's not.

Here's another thing you can do. Minimize the importance of the whole "groomsmen" thing by focusing less on your actual groomsmen and more on groom events. Yes, we realize the phrase "groom events" is just about the cheesiest thing we've ever said on The Plunge, but, in this particular case, it gets you out of your jam.  You can have dinners, parties, and getaways wigh your very closest friends...regardless of whether they're male or female.

Best of luck, and remember that the "Best Man" label was created decades and decades (and centuries?) ago in an era before the NBA three-pointer. Times have changed. Go with your gut.

-The Plunge

Since it's technically "wedding season," by definition it's also "bachelor party season," and with The Hangover racking up over $200 million at the box office, that's true now more than ever.

So it's our duty to make sure that every groom--and their groomsmen--have seen a tool that's buried deep in The Plunge's archives.  It's a pre-made, pre-formatted bachelor party spreadsheet.

Granted, you're a bright guy. You don't need help adding up the cost of airfare, hotels, and dinners. It's not rocket science.

That being said, when you get a bunch of dudes together...and when the variables start adding up--rental car, lapdances for the groom, beer for the hotel room--it helps to have things organized.

You could create your own. Or you can just use ours, which has every category you'll need, plus some that you hopefully won't.  (i.e. Money for getting bailed out of jail, hush money, and shovels for burying a dead hooker.)

The spreadsheet has a few dummy numbers--these aren't estimates; these are just to give you a feel for how the tool works. Delete them, overwrite them, replace them with your own guesses.

Get the spreadsheet and the full article and explanation here. Enjoy.

A reader writes us with a common problem:

"How does free beer and a friend who drinks too much work?  I'm confused, I have a friend that is going to be in the wedding party. Is there any way to limit the amount of beer he drinks. He gets drunk and rather stupid. I know that if he screws something up, makes some stupid speech, spills a drink on my new wife. She is going to take it out on me. Please help!!"

We get this a lot. At heart, the issue is one of "worlds colliding." For years you have your get-stupid-with-the-buddies world, and then you have the wearing-a-suit-and-acting-grown-up world. They rarely intersect.

And when they do overlap, it happens at the most public and photographed day of your life. Polite society could meet Frank The Tank, which could embarrass your bride, gall your new parents, and, through guilt-by-association, make you look like an ass-clown.

So here's the six-step process for handling Fran The Tank:

1. Don't baby him. 

Don't tell him that he can only have two beers and treat him like you're his parent, insisting that he needs to finish his brussel sprouts before eating dessert. You sort of sound like a shmuck. Yes, this is the end result you want, but there are more tactful ways of going about it.

2. Keep him away from the mic.

A reader writes:

"I am really glad I found your site. In this increasingly effeminate world, it's great to see men who understand maleness and are willing to help their fellow man.

My situation is probably not uncommon. I'm an alcaholic, and I stopped drinking almost two years ago (the bachelor's party is 9 or 10 months away, still). I'm pretty comfortable with it -- I don't fear a relapse, and I still go see bands in bars, and don't feel tempted. (still I don't go unless there's a band b/c it's just not as much fun hanging out in a loud room when you're sober, gofigure.)

The Bachelor Party is all about 1. The Groom (me) and 2. Drinking (not me anymore) and I'm trying to strike a balance so that my friends don't have to go to a lame party, so that they can have fun and misbehave and whatever, but without CONSTANTLY shoving shots in my face and getting those "oh, I'm not really sure how to toast you or what to buy (other than a shot) to be gregarious" moments.

To give you some kind of idea of who I am and who my friends are I'll tell you this. I'm not a prude. I smoke reefer religiously. I haven't traded my "drunk friends" for sober ones, either. I like them. They're fun. I'm not terribly into sports (which is not to say that I'm unathletic) but might be convinced to try paintball. I love rollerderby. I play in a rock band, and have played in bands for a decade now. I don't do church. Or Christ.

So are any of the above activities or anything else going to satisfy them? How can I make this fun for them, and no stress for me. I mean, it's my party, and if I end up babysitting drunks, I'd rather stay home. I won't force them to come to a lame party, either. *HELP*

Thanks for listening!

Typically, an interview with a "wedding-planner-to-the-stars" will make us reach for our favorite brand of gift-registry-salad fork...and pluck out our eyeballs, Oedipus-style.

Happily, instead of a ho-hum interview about stationary or wedding gowns, it's conducted by our friends at Esquire, canvassing ground such a: 1) Whether it's okay to flirt with the cute caterer (assuming, ideally, you're not the groom); 2) The ethics and decorum of drinking beer out of the bottle; 3) The best man's responsibility vis-a-vis lapdances (which we cover extensively here); and so on.

Additionally, we're happy to see them pick up a trend that's irritated us for some time: the absurdity of splattering JUST MARRIED!!! all over the "getaway car." Yes, perhaps this still happens in Kate Hudson-ish movies, but that bears little resemblance to real life. We've left the era of tying beer cans to bumpers.

On that note, from Esquire:

Is it still appropriate to scrawl "Just Married" on the getaway car? Seems a bit tacky.

A Plunge reader writes in with this uncomfortable question:

"My best friend took himself out of my groomsmen party because he got mad at me for ditching out of golf. He said some pretty mean things, about both me and my fiancée. We've been friends since 4th grade and this is the first time we've really had a falling out. He wont be himself again unless I apologize for what I did and admitting he's right. He is married to his wife. I'm engaged to my girlfriend and we have two kids. He doesn't seem to get the lifestyle difference. Should I swallow my pride and make mends? Or make sure he realizes (which he wont) that our lifestyles are different and things do in fact come up at terrible times, like before golf."

It's a good question. For whatever reasons, friendships between men are rarely explored, and when they are, it's only with the most comic hyperbole like I Love You, Man.

So we take a slightly more sober approach.