Should you invite the little brats and rodents to the wedding? Here's a hint: no, no, no, and no. Oh, and one more thing: no. Here's why.

My buddy Dan has a theory that everything in life is better with semi-naked women. Football? Better with cheerleaders. Good bar? Better with scantily-dressed cocktail waitresses. The Sopranos? Better with Meadow. CNN Headlines News? Better with Christi Paul.

Bratty kids are the exact opposite of scantily clad women. They make everything worse. (Unless they’re yours.) They distract from your ceremony, cast a “family-friendly” pall over your reception, fail to appreciate the overpriced food, and compel parents—the guests you want to party with—to go home early to tuck the little buggers in. Imagine that first dance with your bride, staring deep into her eyes, getting ready for the music to begin, and then hearing some toddler scream, “I wanna go poo! I wanna go poo!”

Think like the owner of a liquor store: keep the children out.

[You] Really? I thought that having little kids dancing was one of the charms of weddings.

This is true...in the movies. (i.e. Vince Vaughn blowing up balloons for the kids in Wedding Crashers, the hit-man dancing with the little girl in The Godfather, etc.) In real life, however, children can transform your meticulously planned—and $30,000 budgeted—reception into Chuck E. Cheese.

What if it’s just one or two?

Yeah, that’s not so bad. The real danger is when they accumulate critical mass—more than four, say—and race around, play games, whoop and holler, and have “fun.” This is despicable.

Really? That’s pretty dark, dude.

It depends on your reception. If you want a more stylish reception with good friends, good music, good atmosphere and good memories, yes, kids will hijack the evening. If you want an afternoon bonanza that Grandma will cherish, fine, bust out the kazoos.

What else do you have against kids?

Look. It’s not that we hate children. (Some of us here at Plunge Headquarters are dads.) But think about the costs. These little runts can’t tell the difference between shrimp consommé and Chef Boyardee. If you invite 10 kids, you’re wasting around $1,000 that’s better spent on premium liquor, a better band, a tuxedo, etc. Plus, odds are, their parents will actually appreciate not having to deal with them for a night. You’re doing them a favor.

Okay, how do I tell people that children are not welcome?

Spin the negative into a positive. Say that children are welcome for the ceremony, and for out-of-town guests who are traveling with children, daycare will be provided. Just cordon off an area of your reception for a makeshift nursery. Your guests will get the hint.

Next up: the verdict on inviting your co-workers.