[Yawn.] We know. Photographers. This is the dregs of wedding planning. If you’re suckered into helping with this, here’s all you need to know (and not a damn bit more).

This one’s optional. Seriously. If you’re busy at work you should quit wasting your time. Or go check out a story about something more interesting, like sex or fantasy football or the complete history of the Refrigerator. Anything.

No, we mean it. This stuff’s garbage. Wedding photographers? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Has it come to this? Three years ago you would have laughed your ass off if your buddy said he couldn’t make happy hour because he has to interview a “videographer.” And here you are. It’s a tragic fall from grace.

Technically this isn’t your job, which is why we’re being so standoffish. But…if your fiancée charged you with this task, or if you’re doing this together as a couple (which, to be honest, isn’t entirely unreasonable), or if you actually care about your photo album (geek) and you’re looking for advice, fine, here it is.

The other wedding-porn will tell you the basics (“Ask good questions!”), so instead, we’ll just outline the 10 mistakes that you shouldn't make.

Most of these rules apply to both your photographer and videographer. Speaking of “videographers.” Can you say that word without silently laughing just a little? We can’t. And this shit’s our job.

10 ways that your photos might suck: (And how to avoid these mistakes.)

1. Will suck if you: Pick a Disgruntled Artist.

This matters. Lots of wedding photographers consider themselves “artists” and prefer their edgier, more provocative, less commercial pet projects. So they despise this job. They’ll gobble up your money without even hiding their contempt. Remember, this person will be a key chess piece that interacts with you, your friends, and your family on the most over-hyped important day of your life. So don’t hire Billy Walsh from Entourage.

2. Will suck if you: Forget to look at samples of his work.

It’s not complicated. Would you go to a doctor without first interviewing his prior patients? Would you ever eat at a restaurant without first nibbling some free samples? Would you ever get a haircut without leafing through your barber’s portfolio? No. Never.

Alas, this logic will not work with your fiancée. Weddings are different. They don’t follow the normal rules of human behavior. You are expected to flip through these photo albums as if the fate of western civilization hinges upon this very decision. (To your bride, it does.) Roll with it. There actually is some merit to inspecting her goods—you should like what you’re paying for—but it’s more important that she has references you trust.

3. Will suck if you: Use your buddy.

If he happens to have actual wedding photography experience? Fine. Use him. Otherwise, there’s a 99% chance that he will be inadequate. The downside isn’t just mediocre photos—who cares, right?—but awkwardness at the party. There’s a fine art to crowd control, arranging group photos, and knowing the key permutations. A good wedding photographer is good with a crowd, tactful, flattering.

Then again, to play devil’s advocate…IF your buddy’s charismatic and IF your fiancée isn’t that stressed about the photos and IF he can actually snap a good shot…there are worse places to cut corners.

One last compromise: you can have a pro do the ceremony, some formal portraits, and a few key shots that will serve as your “framers”…and then leave the reception to amateurs.

4. Will suck if you: Make a Hallmark Commercial

Look. By very definition the wedding video will be a little sappy. Fine. But there’s a difference between “Ahhhhww” and “Did I just get married or did I just get castrated? Why is the ceremony set to Whitney Houston’s ‘The Greatest Love of All’?” Watch the videographer’s samples. Get a sense of his or her style. Some are cheesier than others. It’s possible to have a relatively tasteful, toned-down video that still delivers on the emotional goods. Alarm bells should be ringing if you see a pink DVD cover, gratuitous use of slow-motion, or Michael Bolton.

5. Will suck if you: Grill him about the “specs.”

Let the man do his job. Don’t ask about his camera. Don’t try and sound smart and ask about the “aperture” or “shutter-speed.” No, this won’t doom your wedding or anything, but you’re just over-complicating something that’s pretty damn simple.

6. Will suck if you: Don’t get any candid shots.

As your fiancée has probably told you by now, there are two flavors of wedding photographs: Posed and Candids. (We won’t insult you with a definition.) Make sure you get some Candids. Those are the shots that are the most interesting, the most memorable, and the most full of life (ugh, did we just say that?). Warning: Candids require a little more artistic skill and experience, so make sure you like what you see in her portfolio. That being said, again, if the budget’s tight and you’re looking to trim nickels, this one’s not a deal-breaker. (Note. As for the non-candid shots, the photographer will probably have a list of what he/she provides. If you really want to geek out and request your own specific shot list, you'll find a comprehensive one here.)

7. Will suck if you: Leave the photographer stranded.

You know that awful hour when everyone has to pose for 548 different combinations of photos? As unlikely as this sounds, it will be even more hellish if you forget to appoint a coraller. Get someone you trust—ideally the best man—to smoothly coral the crowd and assist your photographer.

8.Will suck if you: Stress.

If you’ve been dreaming all your life about the perfect wedding photo album, I think you’re at the wrong site. You’ll feel more comfortable here. Let’s say the HORROR STORY comes true and you have a crappy wedding video. Oh no! That means that…well, um, nothing. If any reader of The Plunge ever watches their wedding video more than twice, e-mail us and we’ll refund the money you spent on this article.

9. Will suck if you: Forget the hidden costs.

Wedding photographers are sneaky. When you review the price structure, make sure that you ask about the negatives and how much they will cost. When they own the negatives, they will charge you for additional reprints. Don’t worry, this isn’t abnormal or unusual, but you don’t want any unpleasant surprises after the wedding. There will be plenty of those in marriage. If at all possible get the rights to the negatives in writing, and if shooting digitally try to get the rights to the files (and get the files). Here is an obscure and confusing site that nevertheless has some interesting legal issues to consider.

10. Will suck if you: Choose a vendor that goes out of business or scams your deposit.

How many times do you think this will happen this summer? After plunking down a deposit the happy couple waits and waits for their photographer to show-up at the designated time and place. Guess what? If you bought wedding insurance you might get your money back—of course, that doesn't produce a photograhper for your wedding. Check with your local BBB and try to use someone that comes recommended by a friend.

Possible idea that might not suck: Digital-Polaroids at check-in.

Every once in a while, for purposes of humoring your fiancée, it’s a smart idea to suggest an original idea of your own. It helps further the illusion that you give a damn. So here’s a little trick up your sleeve.

Yes, the wedding porn is all over the idea of having disposal cameras at tables. Fine. But think about having a Polaroid camera at the reception check-in. (Note: technically the old-school Polaroid is dead. You can find an alternative here.) When guests sign in the book, have them snap a quick photo of themselves, and then they stick the photo in the sign-in book with a quick little message. Ahhhww, isn’t that adorable? As cheesy as this sounds, there’s something satisfying, nostalgic, and even—hell—romantic about an old-school Polaroid photograph. See, and you thought we were just naysayers.

Next up: dealing with religion in the wedding ceremony.